Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Forgiven Not Forgotten

Prologue: I hope the title of this post is not too controversial. This is not about disagreeing with the fact that to "Forgive is to Forget."

Please read on...

I have often heard the saying that to forgive is to forget. This is true. In every sense of the word I believe it. But too many times, when I have to apply it, I find it so difficult. I think mainly because I have no absolute control of which my brain keeps in its memory bank and which ones to toss out. To be honest, my brain remembers the things that are trivial and then chooses to ignore the more important details. It never runs out of space and is very eager to take in information about the future plans regarding a craft, but shuts down when I read the news or the CPA textbook. But that's not my point here on this post and although I sometimes hate my brain for being who she is, I guess a lot of people could relate to this experience. My point is, if only I know how to pick and choose the memories and information in my brain, by all means I would do it.

I guess that's why it's so difficult to forgive sometimes, especially when it involves someone very close to you. Like my experience with my bestfriend-cousin. It took me yearsssss, before I can finally say to myself "hey, I don't feel bad when I think of her anymore." But even then, I still remember every small detail of what she did to me *sheepish smile* it just doesn't affect me now though.

Even with my own husband, past misdeeds just keep piling up inside me sometimes, like a lava then I erupt like a volcano. Well, I'm sure it's not grudge, I never hold it against him ALL THE TIME, but when he gets so irritable, that's when the nasty records of him come up. I am so bad at this stuff. In fact, I can remember the smallest incy wincy details of what someone said that I did not like. I can even list it down chronologically as if there's a need for it in case we go to court (hahaha). So how can I ever forgive and forget?

And then it hit me, if I cannot forget, at least I can remember past through the adversities. So I looked past the bad things that happened and remembered the good times my cousin and I shared before. She was my "whole-life-other-bestfriend" in fact I missed her so much and I still ache whenever I think about those wonderful times we spent when we were young. Compared to those beautiful days, the act that wrecked our relationship does not even come close to 1%. That's how I started seeing my cousin in a good light again. Although the relationship was never restored - because it takes two to tango, if you get what I mean - at least (or probably at most should I say?) I have totally forgiven what she had done. I wish I had learned about the "Not-Forgetting" part a little earlier, it wouldn't have taken me years to forgive if I had.

That's how it is with all the others I guess. With my husband, who gets on my nerves a LOT of times, like an eldest son (maybe, as I never had a son). When we argue, I often see him like a menace (hahaha he's going to kill me now). But when I see past through it all, I know I could never have survived without him. He was, is and will always be my knight in shining armor, my Gyun Woo. I have always been a dependent person, you see. I have never lived on my own. When we lived together, he got me straight out from my parents' home. So just like Katniss to Peeta, I tell him "I need you" and true enough, he helps me keep away the traumatic thoughts. *** how did Katniss and Peeta get into this??? *** hahaha

Forgiveness is a divine act that is more beneficial to oneself than to the other party. I'd say the most difficult enemy is one's conscience, that is why I strive hard to ensure that I have forgiven. Grudge is like a heavy baggage that burdens our everyday life. Forgiveness is a very difficult act especially as forgetting is not a pick and choose thing, still, it is very feasible. Despite not being able to forget the bad things, I know I can always dig deeper into my brain to remember past through it. True enough, the bad things usually don't count to 1% even in comparison to the good things. I may not be able to forget the bad things that happened but remembering the good ones washes away the negative ones. This is good enough for me as it takes away the bad feelings and is replaced by more mellow and pleasant ones. Although I cannot guarantee 100% that this will restore relationships - and I reiterate, it takes two to tango - I guess this is a big step to forgiveness and consequently a peaceful sleep. In fact, maybe this is what it means to say "forget" because when we look past the bad things, we are able to remember the good ones that wash away the unpleasant memories, and then the bad feelings melt away with them.

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