Over the past months this year, I have been experiencing an overwhelming kind of sadness that I cannot explain. Sometimes I assume it's because of frustrations. Other times I believe it's because I feel helpless. But mostly it ends up with an argument with my husband over trivial reasons. But every single episode of my breakdown, it's always been my husband who gets the blame.
I am not even sure now which comes first: the overwhelming sadness after which the brain tries to find a reason to rationalise the sadness, or the reason that causes the overwhelming sadness.
It started way back when 2014 was ending wherein my farewell blow was a drastic argument which I had with my mother. I couldn't even bare to describe in details what I went through. But I suppose everyone had experienced in some point of their lives the heartbreak caused by trying others to see what you want them to but to no avail. How painful it could be that despite the sacrifices you had done, people still see you in the bad light. I remember the nights I would wake up in the middle of the night with no apparent reason and reality will beat me with its bitter truth that I am hated. I have shed unconscious tears, countless times.
One event leads to a series of consequences and I find myself under financial pressure next, which leads to unwilling decisions and failures until I didn't realise that I was getting bitter.
I couldn't count how many times I've been on and off Facebook because I would deactivate everytime I feel I couldn't even bare to keep in touch with the world. Sometimes, I would say the reason for deactivating is death, hoping Facebook would stop me and send words of comfort even though it's all probably just computerised.
I have become moody and the stress caused many of my hair to turn white. Whether it's just mood swings, pressure or early stages of depression, I realised I need to wise up and do something to fight. I could not succumb to depression. I have two little girls who look up to me. So I decided to talk to someone...
My friend came out last year that she was diagnosed with depression and over the months, she has done counseling with a psychologist. Sharing her experiences helped me a lot today to realise that I may be in the early stages and that worst things could happen if it turns severe. The difficult thing about depression is that people might see you very normal from the outside but that you're actually disintegrating slowly from the inside.
I am writing this now while I am in my"right" state of mind to serve as warning and help for others who might be suffering from the same plight. I believe I may be suffering from the early stages and I plan to battle this now. This is getting serious because I never really wrote about my feelings in my posts when I was in a sad state. I couldn't even bare to write when I was sad back then. I think mine is starting to get serious as evidence by my last two posts. It has become the other way around now: I would write during my melancholic state.
My plan is to seek help and reach out to others. It helps a lot to see that you are not alone and that depression can be overcome.
So please just as my friend tells me and I tell you now: reach out and seek help from friends. Reach out to friends who will help you get back on track. Sometimes the distance between our problems and solution is the distance of our knees to the floor.
I am not afraid to say this now.