Rock The Boat Until I Fall Down

Sunday, December 20, 2015

There was a time when you liked me. There was a time when you loved me. A time when you still cared.  A time when everything was a bliss even when I was at the lowest point in my life. You accepted me at my worst and even when I warned you to stay away from me because you deserve someone better,  you pursued me. You gave me things I never expected to have, not even in my dreams. At the time when people regard me as low, you lifted me up. At the time when I lost my self respect, I felt your admiration. You made me feel that you were proud of me although I didn't deserve it. Most of all you saved me from the pit where I was stuck and you gave my child the normal life which I had taken away. I will always be thankful for that. 
How the years pass by so very quickly. In the midst of the hustles of our family life, in between taking care of two children, struggling to make ends meet financially and trying to make our best with our reversed roles, I didn't realise that I was losing you. 
First, the attention slowly faded. You were never showy but you knew how to make me smile, how to make me feel special. You knew when to console me and you understood me during my worst mood swings. You sensed what I needed. You preferred to be with me than with others. It didn't matter if the world was against me because I had your love. I was your number one. I felt I was beautiful. 
Through the years, I watched how the smile and laughter that you used to give to me was replaced by indifference and lack of interest. I long to feel the yearning you used to have for me. How your face would brighten up when you see me after a long day at work. Then it was replaced by a cloud of darkness and disappointment every time you see me come home. Most often when I need you, instead of the comfort you used to offer, you would snap at me and get irritated. Instead of being special, you regard me as a pest, a burden. Now you no longer care. Perhaps the only time I feel needed is when your body needs me. I feel neglected, unwanted, useless. I am ugly.
We no longer spend time with each other like we used to. Now,  you are never happy with just me and the children. I already lost my dreams even before they started. Now i dread our honeymoon because you are no longer contented with us. Your happiness is with the other people. You get bored with just the four of us. We are no longer a family. I have become a stranger in your eyes. 
I am very sad. I am depressed. Inside,  you don't see it but I am slowly dying. My heart is becoming a stone and I wish I could just stop loving you to stop getting hurt. 
One day I will finally learn not to get hurt. One day the love will fade. Then I will be okay. Not happy. Just no longer in pain. 
So now I am back at the lowest point in my life. Sometimes I find myself thinking and fearing the future,  staring into space. Sometimes I would feel an uncontrollable sadness because I know I had been replaced in your heart.  I am fighting against an unseen rival which I will never win and I sank deeper into my shell of insecurities more than ever. 
I know you no longer want me in your life or at least I can no longer give the happiness you want. My heart is continually bleeding. I am hurting. I am lost. I have no one unless you love me... and if I can't have that love back,  then consider me a living zombie. I shall exist but I no longer live. And if I continue to stay, I stay only for the children.
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Battling Depression

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Over the past months this year, I have been experiencing an overwhelming kind of sadness that I cannot explain. Sometimes I assume it's because of frustrations. Other times I believe it's because I feel helpless. But mostly it ends up with an argument with my husband over trivial reasons. But every single episode of my breakdown, it's always been my husband who gets the blame.
I am not even sure now which comes first: the overwhelming sadness after which the brain tries to find a reason to rationalise the sadness, or the reason that causes the overwhelming sadness. 
It started way back when 2014 was ending wherein my farewell blow was a drastic argument which I had with my mother. I couldn't even bare to describe in details what I went through. But I suppose everyone had experienced in some point of their lives the heartbreak caused by trying others to see what you want them to but to no avail. How painful it could be that despite the sacrifices you had done, people still see you in the bad light. I remember the nights I would wake up in the middle of the night with no apparent reason and reality will beat me with its bitter truth that I am hated. I have shed unconscious tears, countless times.
One event leads to a series of consequences and I find myself under financial pressure next, which leads to unwilling decisions and failures until I didn't realise that I was getting bitter.
I couldn't count how many times I've been on and off Facebook because I would deactivate everytime I feel I couldn't even bare to keep in touch with the world. Sometimes, I would say the reason for deactivating is death, hoping Facebook would stop me and send words of comfort even though it's all probably just  computerised.
I have become moody and the stress caused many of my hair to turn white. Whether it's just mood swings, pressure or early stages of depression,  I realised I need to wise up and do something to fight. I could not succumb to depression. I have two little girls who look up to me. So I decided to talk to someone...
My friend came out last year that she was diagnosed with depression and over the months,  she has done counseling with a psychologist. Sharing her experiences helped me a lot today to realise that I may be in the early stages and that worst things could happen if it turns severe. The difficult thing about depression is that people might see you very normal from the outside but that you're actually disintegrating slowly from the inside. 
I am writing this now while I am in my"right" state of mind to serve as warning and help for others who might be suffering from the same plight. I believe I may be suffering from the early stages and I plan to battle this now. This is getting serious because I never really wrote about my feelings in my posts when I was in a sad state. I couldn't even bare to write when I was sad back then. I think mine is starting to get serious as evidence by my last two posts. It has become the other way around now: I would write during my melancholic state.
My plan is to seek help and reach out to others.  It helps a lot to see that you are not alone and that depression can be overcome. 
So please just as my friend tells me and I tell you now: reach out and seek help from friends. Reach out to friends who will help you get back on track. Sometimes the distance between our problems and solution is the distance of our knees to the floor. 
I am not afraid to say this now.
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Letting Go...

Monday, August 31, 2015

"When everything seems to be unlike anything I have ever been familiar with, when all that surround me have changed, and my comfort zone has been taken away, no matter how scary the new situation is, there is one last resort left for me...

Letting go...

My life is not messy, it's just unstable, uncertain and sad. But I accept it now. This might seem as defeat, and I don't care anymore. I accept it.

I'll just accept and expect the worst to come. If I am prepared for the worst, then I can cope up with anything. Like a mantra, I'll say this over and over. I am tired of trying and fighting, so for now, I'll just let go and let the wind take me where I have to go.

Go ahead beat me now, while I am numb. I am prepared for the worst and that is how I calm the storm that's inside me. Either I despair or let go, so I choose the second path, because a person like me has nothing to lose.

I am nothing...
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No Bake Banoffee Pie

Saturday, August 8, 2015

My good friend and sister in faith, sis K, have been showering us with home made cakes several times now. I appreciated her cakes not only because they're fresh and scrumptious but also because they look and taste better than the store-bought ones. Her cakes are so good I'm tempted to pursue baking myself. Looks like a lot of fun!

Now I am even more confused which hobbies to pursue. There's the Barbie project, my passion for reading and just very lately, my plans to venture clay crafting. But when I saw this no-bake banoffee pie in facebook, I decided to purchase some basic inexpensive tools needed for baking.

The tools needed for this "project" are:

Mixing bowls 2
Zip lock plastic
Electic hand mixer
Baking trays

I'm entirely zero with baking so the only tool I had in the kitchen was the zip lock plastic hehe. Luckily, Kmart has the other 3 for very cheap prices.

The ingredients for this recipe all bought from Woolies are:

Lady fingers
Butter 1/4 cup
Thickened cream
Condensed milk
Oreo cookies

For the procedures:

1- pound the lady fingers into fine crumbs or at least into very small bits

2- melt the butter and mix with the lady fingers crumb

3- set the crumb into the base of the baking tray

4- drizzle the crumb base with condensed milk

5- cut bananas into thin slices and layer above the crumb

6- beat the thickened cream with the electric hand mixer until fluffy; add condensed milk to desired sweetness

7- put the cream on top to the brim of the tray

8- put 2 pieces Oreo cookies in a ziplock plastic and pound to crumbs

9- top the Oreo crumbs then cover the tray

10- finally, put in the freezer to cool :)

And then you can enjoy your very own version of banoffee pie :)

Trivia: banoffee is actually from banana and toffee (which is heated up condensed milk) but because I was too lazy to heat up the condensed milk, I decided to drizzle it as it is... hehe.

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Barbie DIY Loft Bed

Friday, July 3, 2015

This is a brave attempt of mine to recreate a real life loft bed for a barbie one. It's a bit complicated to explain the process but I will try my very best.

Firstly, here is the fruit of my labour:

This is a modified version of a loft bed I have seen on the net. The real one looks like this:

The real one looked very daunting to recreate nevertheless I was attracted to it. Plus, it can accommodate 3 Barbies so I thought it's worth the effort. 

To start off, I bought my materials which was everything as I didn't bring my stash of crafting supplies when I came to Australia. I got the foam board from Daiso for $2.80ea. 2 of the white foam board was just exact for the whole loft bed. The one I bought has an adhesive on the other side so you may choose to stick a pattern. But then you'll have to change the other sides as well. I decided to just paint the adhesive side as white to make it simple. If you will use paint, do not remove the paper off from the adhesive side. 

You will also need a nice big cutter, long ruler, white paint, glue gun and glue sticks. 

Cut a rectangle from the foam board big enough for Barbie to lie down. Then cut the headboard. At the bottom, the board should only be half the length. The uncovered half is where the ladder should go. Glue the pieces together. 

Then cut two long strips as cover for one side. Cut two more rectangles of the same size for the support. 

Notice that the other rectangle was glued 5cm away from the edge. This is the space where the desk should go. 

For the side desk, make a pattern from paper first to get the desired curve at the sides. Trace this pattern twice remembering to flip the pattern over when tracing the opposite side of the desk. 

Then I glued the curved sides. I also glued 2 rectangles for the shelf and the working table. 

I realised that the working table was a bit short. It was because there wasn't enough foam board. To repair this, I cut another rectangle of the same size to use as a sliding desk which could extend up to the edge of the side of the desk. This one's a bit tricky to describe and I hadn't taken pictures. Basically, glue a rectangle under the sliding desk. Then glue two long rectangles at the end of the sliding desk as stopper so that when you pull the desk, it doesn't go all the way out. 

Glue a bead in the middle as a knob for pulling. 

Make a shelf under the loft bed. 

Then, proceed to the bigger bed. 

Cut a rectangular board big enough for 2 Barbies to lie down. Then cut another rectangle for the headboard. The headboard has to exactly the same size as the space under the shelf of the loft bed. 

Then cut a rectangle for the bottom support of the larger bed. Cut more board to make shelves under the bed. 

Then create a small bedside table. 

Notice that the headboard of the larger bed fits perfectly under the loft bed so that when I placed it in, they looked as if they are one unit. I preferred not to glue them together so that I can store them more easily. 

Finally, paint the gridlines white. This part I haven't done yet though. And the stairs too. 

I also made small pocketbooks to place on the shelf. The shelves under the big bed can be used for shoes or bags. 

Up next: mattresses and beddings! :)
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DIY Barbie Office Suit

I can't believe that the month of June had passed so quickly and I never had the chance to do an entry.

Not that I have been a frequent blogger lately. Since I came to Sydney, I found myself struggling to keep my blog going. This time around though, it wasn't because life was dull or that I didn't feel like writing. I'm actually glad that I feel the want to blog again but there's just not enough time lately. 

So, here is my long overdue post. From the last post I wrote, I mentioned about my new fancy which is the Barbie craze. Part of it is feeding my craving for crafting but mostly it's a birthday project for the kids. 

This post is dedicated to a tutorial for a Barbie brown office suit. 

Start off by making the patterns. The measurements were as described on the patterns:

Trace the back and collar pattern once on the fabric of your choice. The fabric I used for this one were old school shorts which were not very stretchy. Then, trace the front and arms pattern twice. Make sure to flip the pattern on the other side when tracing the second one. 

Next, sew the shoulders right side to right side. Then sew the arms. 

Sew the hems of the arms before closing them, sewing from the wrong sides of the fabric. Then sew the sides of the suit together from the wrong side of the fabric. 

Turning the suit on its right side after sewing could be a bit tricky on the arms. I used a long thin object to help me do this such as an unsharpened pencil. 

Then sew the hem of the suit. 

Finally, sew the collars along the front, nape part and around the other front. 

For the skirt, cut a rectangular piece by the size of 20cm x 10cm. Sew the hems at the bottom and at the top. Make sure that the garter you are using will fit into the hem at the top. The garter should be exactly as wide as Barbie's waist, which is very small. 

Using a safety pin, insert the garter inside the top hem. Meet both ends of the garter amnd sew. Then close the skirt by sewing the end sides together. 

And voila! Barbie's ready to go to work. :)

PS: I will no longer use the patterns and if anyone is interested to have it, just raise your hand up! :) I'll send it by post then

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New Found Hobby - DIY Barbie Doll Clothes

Friday, May 15, 2015

In preparation for my daughters' birthday, which by the way is not until October and November, I decided to surprise them with a school of Barbie dolls. Literally.

This idea came up when I saw them one morning making paper dolls, wherein I helped maked them some, and miniature school items. It was fun but the life of these paper dolls were so short. Once the husband does his house inspection, every piece of irregularly shaped paper goes into the bin. Unfortunately, some homework ended with this fate too but that's not our topic here hehe. 

So I thought Barbie dolls would do the trick! It's been a year now since I have stopped buying them Barbie dolls. The last dolls I have bought them ended up with faces covered in black markers in Daisy's attempt to copy the doll make-over she saw in youtube. Too bad for Barbie, Daisy was watching a make-up tutorial for Monster High and none of her facial features were ever recovered. 

Photo credit:

I was never able to undo what my daughter had done. So I refrained from buying them Barbie dolls and saved it until they're a bit older. 

And I believe this time would be the best time to buy them the dolls again! For one thing, Daisy had moved on to other interests in youtube hehe. 

First, the kids helped me make miniature school items which I got from simplekidscraft in youtube. These were the results!

And then to take things a step higher, I ventured into diy Barbie doll clothes. The idea was overwhelming so I started looking for no-sew clothes. Lucky for me, some tutorials showed I can just cut holes from old socks and turn them into dresses. 

By now, I'm fully hooked. I realised I was ready to try more complex clothes and found this really cool website that made doll-clothes-making seem manageable and easy:

At first, I copied her patterns to make clothes for my own but then I got the hang of it and started making twists to come up with my own designs. 

The matching suit and skirt were from the website pattern. 

The turtleneck top was likewise from the website. The skirt was from me :)

To be continued...

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Mystery Solved: The Case of the Writing on the Glass Door

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

On the morning of the 25th of March, I woke up and got ready for work as usual, between 5 to 5:30am. I went about the house from the bedroom to the kitchen to the bathroom as I normally do before the kids and the husband get up. By past 6am, the husband got up from bed. Around this time, the morning light starts to creep in so he pulled aside the blinds that cover the window and door that leads to the backyard.

When the blinds were pulled aside, there was fog on the glass door, which was not strange because the weather had been a bit colder last night. While going about my daily routine, I barely noticed the writing on the fog:

I love elsa
elsa is here

didn’t mind. I mean, it must have been Demi. I was too busy to even think about it thoughtfully. I was more concerned about catching my train. Around the same time, Demi got up from bed too. I kissed her goodbye and prepared to get out of the house when Demi asked “Mom, did you write that?” I was already at the door when the husband asked me to come back.

That’s when we started to get puzzled. I was sure all along it was Demi, there was no other suspect fitted to do that. Not that it mattered before, but because Demi asked, which meant it wasn’t her, my husband and I started getting scared. That was the only time I gave it a deep thought: Demi has long ago disliked Elsa. Like me, she doesn’t want to dwell on trends, because it kind of loses its “flavour.” So she wouldn’t actually write “I love Elsa” and that was one reason why I believed she didn’t write it.

I told my husband, maybe it has been written there a long time ago and when the fog came up, the writing showed. But even if that was the case, the fact was, it wasn’t Demi. Daisy can’t write yet, and it’s neither me or my husband. We didn’t know what to think. If this was a person who came inside the house that we were not aware of, that’s dangerous. Nothing was missing from the house though but just in case, the husband checked every possible hiding places. No one, which was not relieving either because we were left with one possibility… a ghost.

By then, I was already overthinking things. The message said "elsa IS here" not even WAS which gave the impression that whoever/whatever it was that wrote it was lingering and that sent goosebumps all over my body. My husband is a very rational man who doesn’t easily get scared. The sheer fright on his face right that moment made me realise that although the message was previously “cute,” the situation was getting scarier.

So never mind catching the train. I stayed with the husband and helped him get the kids ready for school. I went with him until all of us left the house to drop the kids to school. I did go to work that day though because I couldn’t afford to have another leave.

The mystery was a hot topic at work that day and everyone has their own speculation but the one I chose to believe was that these writings were done some time ago. I convinced myself it must have been one of Demi and Daisy’s friends. A family friend had stayed over 2 weeks ago and I decided it must have been Angel, their older daughter. Then I barely recalled the kids talking about Elsa, whether it was willpower or just wishful thinking.

As for the husband, he didn’t actually want to go back alone inside the house so I was surprised when I called him in the afternoon and he told me he was at home. I was impressed! Later on, I discovered he had a couple of friends over hahaha.

Anyway, fast forward to now. We didn’t really give it much thought afterwards. There wasn’t any creepy incident after that and we have stuck to our previous hunch. Last Friday, 3 April, the same family friend went over and stayed at the house. They were aware about the ghostly incident and that we have made a decision that it was their daughter who wrote it hehe. They asked the kid about it but Angel said she didn’t which was alright I said. To be honest, I didn’t want to do more investigation. I was satisfied enough to think it was Angel.

The last 3 days they stayed over at the house had been rainy and cold. One day, there was fog on the glass doors again. Because everyone was curious, except me, they asked Angel to write the same message on the glass doors. Deep inside I was protesting, “don’t!” because if it turns out that it wasn’t her handwriting, I don’t have another rational explanation for that. Reluctantly, Angel wrote the same message over and I was holding my breath while she did. Thankfully, with a sigh of relief, the strokes were the same, the height where she wrote it, it was her handwriting no doubt! Therefore, case closed. Ghost encounter ruled out. Never has and hopefully, never will.
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Going Away From Home

Monday, February 23, 2015

This weekend had been a very busy one packing things up and trying to make up for the 5 days when I will be away from home. I will surely miss the husband and kids so I hope I will be very busy to even notice.

To appease the kids, they received gifts during the weekend, their much awaited Sands Alive.

Anyway, this is just for five days. Next weekend, that is Friday afternoon, I will be back to be with them again. Daisy Jenn was quite relieved when I said it's just for 5 days. I was surprised she smiled when I said that. Then she added, "Not ten? Only five?" while showing her fingers to me. That was a good point of view if you look at it that way. So let this country trip begin. At this point, I am feeling a bit okay. Hopefully, I don't have to feel nervous or anything like that throughout the rest of this audit trip. May God be with me (and my family.)

Until next post...
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Monday, February 16, 2015

15 February 2015 marks my 13th year in faith. A long time of conviction nevertheless I can't say that I have reached perfection. Too far away from that. I can't even tell if I have even reached the state of being "good." As a matter of fact, people see me as stingy, greedy, arrogant, hypocrite... And the list goes on and on. Some people believe I am so evil I hold grudge.

I was never appreciated. The things I have been doing were always regarded as small and incomplete.
I can't say I don't care. I have feelings and I hurt badly because of this. Sometimes I question myself if I could still go on or if I am just going on in vain. But I know that if everything else is taken away from me, this faith will be my only hope. I want my children to grow up in this faith and that desire is what pushes me to move on even though I am feeling weak.

So I just let go. Let anyone think what they want about me. I'll just let the words not hurt me. There's no use fighting back. It would only make me feel worse. So I have decided a long time ago to just keep my silence. I am not wanted. I know my silence doesn't hurt anyone as long as I give them what they want. My silence is what's causing me peace, even though I am heavily burdened right now.

No complaints. Just letting go. And that is how I find myself being able to move on. 
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Holiday Hangover

Thursday, January 8, 2015

From the moment it was announced that we were to have a 2-week shut down at work, my brain instantly went shut down itself and thought of nothing but those precious 16 days (counting every day of it not one less). Fortunately, the International Church Thanksgiving fell within those days too saving me the trouble of requesting for sick/rec leaves. This is just one of the things I love and am thankful about my current job. Last year, I had to call in sick for the thanksgiving. Not that it was too much trouble but one less to think about means less stress too, if you can relate to what I mean.

Anyway, the last 3 days at work before officially going on holidays had been very festive. I think a separate post is required to share the experiences properly. But on the last day, after finalising a case in the morning, I secretly declared that my holidays officially started in the afternoon. After the morning tea and the friendly chit chat with fellow Filipino pals, my mind proceeded to flying away with the activities I was planning to do with my family, day by day, because I didn't want to waste a single precious moment being idle. I guess you can picture how excited I was about this vacation. Initially, this was the list of things to do, some of them obviously unsure of haha:

Dec 20 Regular Thanksgiving at Church
Dec 21
Go to Manly Beach
Dec 22 
Stay at home, Dear’s driving exams
Dec 23
Barbecue at home?
Dec 24
Kids open their presents
Dec 25
Cupcake baking for PNK giveaway
Dec 26  
Dec 27 
Dec 28 
Dec 29 
La Perouse Beach with cousin?
Dec 30 
House cleaning and decorating
Dec 31 
Tea party at home with kids
Jan 1 
Science experiments with the kids
Jan 2 
Jan 3
Regular Thanksgiving

Jan 4
JC’s Birthday

But just like most often timesthings didn't happen as planned. Firstly, I had to scratch out the going to the beach part because some serious news about potential “terrorism” compelled us to avoid the city. Thank God, nothing bad actually happened. Anyway, looking back, I am quite happy that some things happened differently because the reality turned out a whole lot better. As summarised below, this was how I actually spent the vacation:

Dec 20 Regular Thanksgiving at Church
Dec 21
Kids open their presents
Dec 22 
Dear’s driving exams
Dec 23
Went to library with kids
Dec 24
Clean the house
Dec 25
Cupcake baking for PNK giveaway
Dec 26  
Dec 27 
Dec 28 
Dec 29 
The Entrance Beach – sleepover at Newcastle
Dec 30 
Ocean Baths Beach – BEST EVER! – still at Newcastle
Dec 31 
Maitland Park – still at Newcastle
Jan 1 
Chilling with friends from Church at Newcastle – travel back home
Jan 2 
Rest – Dear’s driving exams
Jan 3 
Regular Thanksgiving

Jan 4
JC’s Birthday

So I decided that the kids should open their gifts on Sunday instead so that they (we, including I hehe) could enjoy the toys throughout the break. Most of the presents were gifts I received from work mates but the toys were from whenever I frequented the shops and spotted them on sale. I wrapped them up to quench my love for gift-wrapping and because I wanted to surprise the kids. Supposed to be, they were PNK treats but I thought it best to give them earlier. It turned out to be a good decision after all because the first week of the holidays was pretty quiet. At least the toys got me and the kids occupied. :)

Baking the cupcakes and the 3-day PNK were non-negotiable ones so thank God we were able to stick to the plan. Then out of the blue, some friends from Church spontaneously set up a holiday over at their house in Newcastle, us including. It’s funny how some plans just sprung out of nowhere and without much thought yet they most frequently turn to reality. Such is the case with this unplanned getaway. I am pretty sure sis M wasn’t prepared about this one but she had been a most hospitable host (or hostess for gender matters). Anyway, there’s so much to tell about this wonderful escapade. For one thing, it was our first ever long travel in Sydney since coming here and it was the first time we have been to Newcastle. Again, this will require a separate post because the wonderful experiences we have had with my friends could not be contained in one paragraph. But just to briefly describe it, travel by train took 5 hours but the surrounding view were so majestic that we hardly noticed the distance. Plus on the way to Newcastle, we stopped over for the beach midway. More of the adventures on another post. Hopefully soon.

Finally, the last days of the vacation were mostly rest days except for JC’s birthday celebration which was one fun party too. I might do another post for that so that’s 3 pending all in all. It only proves that this end of year holidays were the best it required 4 post to sum up everything! But reality bites and so I’m back to work again trying my best to get back on track. I have to admit I still have hangover as evidenced by this post. As my boss had asked us, do we still know the Payroll Tax Act? 

Hmmm… what language was that? Hahaha.
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